valentine banners

Just a little shop update.  These Valentine banners are in the shop only for one more week!  I want to make sure they are out in time for February 14th.  I'll be working on more banners this week that aren't holiday specific, like this one:

 It's my personal mantra for the year.  What would yours say?

tree bonfire

Last weekend we had our Christmas tree bonfire.  I love Christmas tree bonfires.  They go up so quickly and so gloriously in flames!  Add in a bit of a windy day, and things get exciting.  I used the opportunity to take a load of pictures of the littles (who were disappointed that we didn't have marshmallows on hand).  And I used the opportunity to burn a list of bad habits or mindsets that I want to shed in 2014.

Since 2014 started out on such a sad note for us, we didn't really have a chance to talk about what our hopes and wishes were for the year.  My own hopes and wishes have had to go through a major adjustment.  So I thought that instead of trying to figure out new hopes and wishes, I'd do well with letting go of the rubbish in my life.

 And I tried to get the littles to smile and pose for me.  If Rowan is aware of the camera, I get a lot of goofing off.  And funny faces.  Her teacher told me that she's the class clown.  I believe it, lady.  I believe it.  Fletcher tends to ignore the camera.  It's all equally frustrating.

 Since it was a bit windy, we had the kids stand a ways back from the flames.  We all watched as the fire whooshed up to the sky quickly, and then settled back down after the needles from the tree were burned.  It was a pretty fire.

 And that is how I hope 2014 goes for us.  That the intensity, sadness, and scariness that 2014 began with wanes into a comforting, peaceful rhythm that can somehow be beautiful in the midst of the wreckage.

cormac

Brian has been urging me to get back to blogging again.  I told him I couldn't yet, because I would have to write about our loss.  And he said that I did NOT in fact have to write about it, but could just move forward with something else.  Write about Fletcher.  Or Rowan.  Or whatever.  But I can't just move forward without acknowledging our baby that we just lost.  I know it's not a fun topic for a blog post.  I know this post won't be funny.  Or witty.  Or flippant.  Or fun to read.  It's also not going to be fun to write.  But I HAVE TO WRITE IT.  Because I can't move forward without pausing in my current sorrow.  And the sorrow is overwhelming right now.  I'm trying not to wallow in the sorrow, but to allow myself to pause in it.  I don't want to become petrified by it, but just pause in it.  I don't want to become lodged and paralyzed in it, but I will pause in it.  I have no idea how long this pause will last, but here I am.  Paused.

And the facts of the matter are that my water broke at 20 weeks pregnant, and two days later I went into labor and had a baby boy many weeks too soon to allow for his survival.  And I've searched mentally for any reason that this happened, but there seems to be none.  My mind keeps washing over the few days before my water broke, wearing my memories smooth.  Did I feel pain?  Did I feel cramping?  Did I... cause this?  And of course the "answer" is NO.  But my heart nags at the question in such a way that I can't help but revisit the days before I lost our baby.

Our baby.  Was a boy.  We named him Cormac Michael.  He was 7.8 ounces and 9 inches long.  He was beautiful.  He was tiny, a miniature of a perfectly formed baby boy.  It broke our hearts to see him before it was time.  It broke our hearts to say goodbye to him before it was time.  We held him and kissed him before it was time.

And it happened on the first day of 2014.