taken December 7th
The stages of grief go something like this:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I feel very stuck at anger. I know that grief is not a straight line. I know that it won't be linear and a constant forward progression. I know that I might take two steps forward and stumble three steps back. I know that I don't magically wake up one morning, check the box on anger and move on to bargaining. But what I wouldn't give to fast forward to a place of peace.
I do feel the bargaining, and I do feel the depression, but I always go back to anger. And not just anger at our situation and loss, but anger towards EVERYTHING. Anger towards strangers posting pictures of their dinner on Instagram because: DON'T THEY KNOW SOMETHING BAD HAS HAPPENED TO ME?? I know, grief is very irrational. Stupid grief.
The truth is that I am doing ok. Most days I can go through the motions of being a mama to Fletcher and Rowan, and even sometimes take pleasure in something that we're doing. Even laugh out loud at some of the funny Fletcherisms that have been pouring from Fletcher. Even sit down as a family and play a game of Go Fish and laugh til I cry. That means something. That means that I am moving forward. That I am not being swallowed whole by grief. But I just cannot shake this pervasive anger.
I am so very angry that I no longer have a delicious baby belly like in the picture above. And that I don't feel the baby gymnastics that go on inside. And that in 3 1/2 months I will not be holding a sweet little bundle and breathing in that wonderful scent of newborn. I feel so angry that I can't make a definitive decision about the future because one minute all I want is to fill this baby void and the next I know that I cannot possibly subject myself to such heartache ever again. I feel so angry that I have to miss someone so much, that I didn't even get a chance to know.
So there it is. I'm stuck at anger, and it's a pretty ugly, irrational place to be. But I am having flashes of normalcy creeping in, so I am ever hopeful that I become dislodged for good. And soon.
I am ill-equipped to say anything meaningful in situations like these, but please know that I am praying for you always. I can't imagine this hurt and I hate that you have to live it daily. Love you, friend. xo
ReplyDeleteLet yourself be angry as long as you need to - the other phases will come in time when you´re ready for them. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteYou can't help but feel this way. And your close friends and family can feel it too--NOT in a bad way. I can feel the anger, and if I can feel it, maybe--just maybe, I can help to absorb some of it from you. Keep feeling...as long as you're feeling, things are going to be okay. Just like your 2014 mantra says. It will. So whatever feelings you may be sorting through, keep feeling. Keep sharing. Write about it. I can sense that you're further along than you may realize. Love you so much. Keep yourself open so that the void you are exposing can be gradually filled. You're amazing. xoxo
ReplyDeletei dont have words...but i think of you often.
ReplyDeleteRuthie, feel it. Feel the anger, at everything, and acknowledge it. So much of life is feeling grief, and joy, and all the feelings there are. You are going through it, and clearly working through it, but you had a very big loss when you lost Cormac. I agree that your friends and family will understand and be there for you. I wish I could give you the biggest, hardest hug right now.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you don't have to think about the future right now and just getting through today is enough. It's so hard being a mom and really not having the time to devote to yourself and your own care. Wishing you peace, dear girl.
ReplyDeleteJo