Monday, January 9, 2012

the cleansing

No, this post will not be about an apocalypse or the rapture.  No, no.  Much more important.  It's about me doing a cleanse for 48 hours.  It was not a juice cleanse, I got to actually eat some food, but it was still a bit difficult.  You see, I had become addicted to SUGAR because of CHRISTMAS.  Yes, I blame the birth of Christ.  Just kidding, I'm talking about all the cookies, eggnog, and cocoa that has been in my house since before Thanksgiving.  I just kept craving sugar because I was eating it, and cause I knew it was there. 

Last week I got rid of the rest of the sugary temptations.  And by get rid of, I mean I ate it all.  I knew I needed to get back on track on somewhat healthy eating.  I found a 2 day cleanse on pinterest, and thought I'd give it a try.  Here's how it went down.

Night Before

10 pm:  Brian finds me chugging wine while standing at the refrigerator.  This cleanse does not allow wine.  I explain we are having a goodbye party.  Just me and the wine.  Brian leaves us be in peace.

Day One

9 am: I made the smoothie that consisted of berries, skim milk, ice, and 1 tsp. of peanut butter.  Not bad.  Could use some sugar... 

11 am: Feeling hungry.  Go get my snack of 1 cup of cucumbers and a cup of green tea.  Shockingly, I still feel hungry.  Huh.

1 pm: Have my lunch.  3 oz tofu sauteed in 2 tsp. olive oil and spices over arugula.  It was tasty.  I like sauteed tofu a lot.  Since I'm a vegetarian, I can't take the other options of lean meat.  Feeling somewhat better and less ready to tear the goldfish crackers out of my little's paws.

4pm: Stomach growling.  I can eat 10 blanched asparagus spears, with an option of some greek yogurt swirled with dijon mustard for a dipping sauce.  Yes please!  This is actually pretty good, too, since I like asparagus and I really love greek yogurt.  Oh yeah, another cup of green tea.

4:30pm:  Stomach growling.  But I have many miles before I sleep, so I can't eat dinner yet!

4:45pm:  Feeling cranky.

5:15pm:  Making dinner for the littles, and I want to eat a piece of apple.  Just a freaking piece of apple!  Why can't I eat one bite of apple on this FUCKING CLEANSE????

6:00pm:  Weeping quietly to myself while watching the children eat.

7:00pm:  Eating another meal of tofu with greens.  Still good, but not as great the first time around.  My stomach quiets down.

7:30pm:  Stomach feels like a churning sea with a tiny little sailboat called tofu inside. 

9:00pm:  Tofu has sailed on to *ahem* calmer waters.  But I am HUNGRY.  And I would really kill for a glass of wine. 

10:30pm:  Feeling bereft.  Feeling cranky.  Feeling tired.  Going to bed.

1:00am:  Wake up suddenly to dogs fighting outside my window.  Nevermind, it is my stomach growling violently.  Dog fight violently.

Day Two:

7:00am:  Awake, and feeling great!  Not feeling hungry, I feel refreshed and wide awake!

7:15am:  I fall asleep on the couch while Fletcher plays.

8:00am:  Starving.  Ravenous.  HUNGRY.  Drink my smoothie.  Feel much better.

9:00am:  Oh my God.  I will never get through today.  I want to start chewing on my boots. Or no!  How about the leather sofa?  Hmmm. 

10:00am:  The cat starts talking to me.  She tells me to eat some cheese.  And some ice cream.  And some cookies.  Oh wait, we don't have a cat.  What is HAPPENING?

11:00am:  Eating my cucumbers.  I hate you cucumbers.  I hate you I hate you I hate you.  You are barely a food.  You are a salad garnish, for GOD'S SAKE.  Drinking my green tea.  This could use some sugar...

12:00pm:  Mouth waters while I make macaroni and cheese for the littles.  I drool all over their lunch, and then make them eat in the closet.  (I don't think I did that.  Just kidding.  I think.)

1:00pm:  Eating my tofu and arugula.  I hate you TOO, TOFU.  FUCK YOU TOFU.  YOU'RE SO SMUG AND SELF-RIGHTEOUS.  ONLY MORONS WOULD EAT YOU.

2:00pm:  Eat all 10 asparagus spears, and the yogurt.  Be careful there, asparagus, I'm really beginning to hate you too. 

2:15pm:  Immediate remorse for eating my snack so early.

2:30pm:  Littles asking for snacks.  Snacks?  SNACKS???  It must be nice, you small needy people, to eat your cheese and grapes.  And then you're not even going to finish?  SERIOUSLY?

4:00pm:  Try to take my mind off of my hunger by reading.  My magazine turns into a pizza. 

4:10pm:  Brian tries to take away my pizza.  I bite him.  He tells me it's a magazine, not a pizza.  As if I would believe him!  He's ALWAYS eating my pizza.

5:00pm:  Brian takes kids out for dinner.  I eat my tofu and greens.  While muttering death threats into my bowl.

 6:00pm:  Brian brings home the leftovers.  Chinese leftovers.  He is trying to sabotage my cleanse.  And I haven't forgotten about him taking away my pizza.

8:00pm:  Brian asks if I'm ok, and I channel Chris Farley's ghost, screaming, "I'M STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  He backs away slowly.

10:30pm:  I tell Brian I'm proud I made it the whole 48 hours without cheating, and it wasn't even that bad!  Brian stares at me.  I smile and go to bed.

The good news is that I am officially off the sugar.  Hooray!  Haven't craved it, and haven't had any since the cleanse.  I would recommend it, but I just don't.  I just don't. 


  1. OMG. Hilarious!! Also? I am now feeling a bit hungry. I got rid of the last of the Christmas goodies the other day, and it wasn't that bad. Surprisingly, I threw them in the trash and not down my throat. (They were kind of old and I need to be somewhat considerate of the small person sharing my abdominal cavity.)
    Laughed out loud at the image of you chugging wine in front of the fridge. (I WISH IT WAS MEEEE!!!) ;)

  2. Wow, that's dedication. Just don't be alarmed if your pee smells funny. And have a donut once in awhile. It will do you good. Very proud of you though! xoxo

  3. I am doing this as soon as we get resettled in CO because I think I'd be eating the dog or something without Brett here to keep her safe. Ha! I applaud you, Ruthie! I think it's actually kind of cruel to have to cook for others when you're fasting/juicing/detoxing, etc. CRUEL! ;)


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