the cleansing

No, this post will not be about an apocalypse or the rapture.  No, no.  Much more important.  It's about me doing a cleanse for 48 hours.  It was not a juice cleanse, I got to actually eat some food, but it was still a bit difficult.  You see, I had become addicted to SUGAR because of CHRISTMAS.  Yes, I blame the birth of Christ.  Just kidding, I'm talking about all the cookies, eggnog, and cocoa that has been in my house since before Thanksgiving.  I just kept craving sugar because I was eating it, and cause I knew it was there. 

Last week I got rid of the rest of the sugary temptations.  And by get rid of, I mean I ate it all.  I knew I needed to get back on track on somewhat healthy eating.  I found a 2 day cleanse on pinterest, and thought I'd give it a try.  Here's how it went down.

Night Before

10 pm:  Brian finds me chugging wine while standing at the refrigerator.  This cleanse does not allow wine.  I explain we are having a goodbye party.  Just me and the wine.  Brian leaves us be in peace.

Day One

9 am: I made the smoothie that consisted of berries, skim milk, ice, and 1 tsp. of peanut butter.  Not bad.  Could use some sugar... 

11 am: Feeling hungry.  Go get my snack of 1 cup of cucumbers and a cup of green tea.  Shockingly, I still feel hungry.  Huh.

1 pm: Have my lunch.  3 oz tofu sauteed in 2 tsp. olive oil and spices over arugula.  It was tasty.  I like sauteed tofu a lot.  Since I'm a vegetarian, I can't take the other options of lean meat.  Feeling somewhat better and less ready to tear the goldfish crackers out of my little's paws.

4pm: Stomach growling.  I can eat 10 blanched asparagus spears, with an option of some greek yogurt swirled with dijon mustard for a dipping sauce.  Yes please!  This is actually pretty good, too, since I like asparagus and I really love greek yogurt.  Oh yeah, another cup of green tea.

4:30pm:  Stomach growling.  But I have many miles before I sleep, so I can't eat dinner yet!

4:45pm:  Feeling cranky.

5:15pm:  Making dinner for the littles, and I want to eat a piece of apple.  Just a freaking piece of apple!  Why can't I eat one bite of apple on this FUCKING CLEANSE????

6:00pm:  Weeping quietly to myself while watching the children eat.

7:00pm:  Eating another meal of tofu with greens.  Still good, but not as great the first time around.  My stomach quiets down.

7:30pm:  Stomach feels like a churning sea with a tiny little sailboat called tofu inside. 

9:00pm:  Tofu has sailed on to *ahem* calmer waters.  But I am HUNGRY.  And I would really kill for a glass of wine. 

10:30pm:  Feeling bereft.  Feeling cranky.  Feeling tired.  Going to bed.

1:00am:  Wake up suddenly to dogs fighting outside my window.  Nevermind, it is my stomach growling violently.  Dog fight violently.

Day Two:

7:00am:  Awake, and feeling great!  Not feeling hungry, I feel refreshed and wide awake!

7:15am:  I fall asleep on the couch while Fletcher plays.

8:00am:  Starving.  Ravenous.  HUNGRY.  Drink my smoothie.  Feel much better.

9:00am:  Oh my God.  I will never get through today.  I want to start chewing on my boots. Or no!  How about the leather sofa?  Hmmm. 

10:00am:  The cat starts talking to me.  She tells me to eat some cheese.  And some ice cream.  And some cookies.  Oh wait, we don't have a cat.  What is HAPPENING?

11:00am:  Eating my cucumbers.  I hate you cucumbers.  I hate you I hate you I hate you.  You are barely a food.  You are a salad garnish, for GOD'S SAKE.  Drinking my green tea.  This could use some sugar...

12:00pm:  Mouth waters while I make macaroni and cheese for the littles.  I drool all over their lunch, and then make them eat in the closet.  (I don't think I did that.  Just kidding.  I think.)

1:00pm:  Eating my tofu and arugula.  I hate you TOO, TOFU.  FUCK YOU TOFU.  YOU'RE SO SMUG AND SELF-RIGHTEOUS.  ONLY MORONS WOULD EAT YOU.

2:00pm:  Eat all 10 asparagus spears, and the yogurt.  Be careful there, asparagus, I'm really beginning to hate you too. 

2:15pm:  Immediate remorse for eating my snack so early.

2:30pm:  Littles asking for snacks.  Snacks?  SNACKS???  It must be nice, you small needy people, to eat your cheese and grapes.  And then you're not even going to finish?  SERIOUSLY?

4:00pm:  Try to take my mind off of my hunger by reading.  My magazine turns into a pizza. 

4:10pm:  Brian tries to take away my pizza.  I bite him.  He tells me it's a magazine, not a pizza.  As if I would believe him!  He's ALWAYS eating my pizza.

5:00pm:  Brian takes kids out for dinner.  I eat my tofu and greens.  While muttering death threats into my bowl.

 6:00pm:  Brian brings home the leftovers.  Chinese leftovers.  He is trying to sabotage my cleanse.  And I haven't forgotten about him taking away my pizza.

8:00pm:  Brian asks if I'm ok, and I channel Chris Farley's ghost, screaming, "I'M STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  He backs away slowly.

10:30pm:  I tell Brian I'm proud I made it the whole 48 hours without cheating, and it wasn't even that bad!  Brian stares at me.  I smile and go to bed.

The good news is that I am officially off the sugar.  Hooray!  Haven't craved it, and haven't had any since the cleanse.  I would recommend it, but I just don't.  I just don't.